sometimes I sit in front of this computer and feel something of a fraud
yearning to really trust in the grace and mercy of God
and sometimes behaving as though I’ve got my sh*t together in a way that is not the kindest toward others or towards myself. I long to be just that kind and loving towards others. I long to extend the grace and mercy that I experience in my relationship with God…and yet there are times that I do not…and the shame of original nakedness starts speaking so loudly i can not hear anything else, “see there, you messed up again! why do you even bother trying” sigh. it’s just like sitting in front of the sewing machine seeing every missed stitch, every teeny tiny jog and wondering deep down who will see it, will my flaws show so badly that i’ll be laughed out of the amazing world of quilting.
sometimes people get under my skin in a way that i don’t quite understand. kinda like getting a pebble caught in my shoe, with no way of easily removing the pebble as i walk. i’m absolutely certain the same is true of me and other’s skin. and when i do, and become aware of it i can belittle myself, beat myself up like no one else. when i try to do something about it i.e. be more mindful of what and how i say things. there’s one thing i realized a long time ago, that i need reminding of now and again, i can not control how what i say is received on the other end.
all i long for is to dwell in, live in, embrace, God’s mercy love. wait a moment. i do live in God’s mercy love. all of who i am lives there. i live in His divine creativity, i live in the gift of humanity, i live.
2014 has had some intense moments, some great moments, some challenging moments and the gift of this is the grace mercy love of God.
for 2015 i want to journey more deeply with that grace mercy love of God to explore the depth of that…to just be.