From the inside out keeps running through my head. My heart cries out…it’s just the one phrase, like an old 45 skipping along. No matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing. “From the inside out of my soul”. I’ve been reminded lately that what comes in must go out. Sometimes what comes out is great beauty, lifting someone up, lifting me up. Sometimes what comes out isn’t so beautiful. And try as I might I’m having difficulty finding the way to being compassionate, and kind. And of course as I write there are faces I see in front of me…where I find this very challenging. At the same time I do know the reverse to be true. I know there are moments when I’m challenging to others, where my sometimes impatient nature makes a situation worse, or my snarky side comes out in a way that someone finds offensive or is interpreted as mean. (Watch my face, it’ll tell you a truth that can’t be missed.)
As I interact with, I long for this moment of compassion, I long to be patient and understanding, I long to be truly loving, I long for this moment of Grace and Mercy to just! And then the words in my head are not kind and it feels like I can’t help it. But God! I want to help it. I want the lack of charity to simply stop. I’m human, I have feelings, the words in my head are directly related to what I’m receiving. This seems a never ending cycle.
Thing is compassion and patience flow in other circumstances, why not here? What is holding them back here? Part of me knows the answer to this and it seems as though in knowing that I can not change that I have a deeper understanding of why patience and compassion are hiding from me here.
This is my Lent. Learning to be compassionate here. Seeking Grace & Mercy in this situation.
Did you know that Twilight in the Bronx was quilted twice? I used a lot of black thread to surround that center star. Listening to a friend I chose to take a seam ripper to 90% of all of that stitching. I’m much happier with the result. As I gaze at the quilt I know that was the right thing to do. Why didn’t I just start all over? Well, sometimes you just can’t. Sometimes that seam ripper needs to come out and this quilt needs to be fixed, mmm perhaps it’s not so much fixed as the work that’s already done needs to be refocused. Perhaps there is value in saving something. Perhaps that something has deeper meaning than one would understand in that moment and it’s not until later that we get to see what that value is. It’s just in this moment the seam ripper (eraser/examination of conscience) is that thing that makes the most sense. I’m grateful for the seam ripper on this quilt because it led me here. Now. Writing this blog post. With so many thoughts of gratitude flowing through my brain.
Lord remind me to rely on your strength through this day.