I’m in a moment that’s difficult to describe well. I know deeply that something needs to shift. I’ve been reading Mary de Turris Pousts (this is the launch post) column in Catholic New York for years, finding her on fb and her blog is a bonus. When she invited us to join her on this journey, something spoke deeply to my heart and I bought the book. Last night in the few moments before Mass I started reading the prologue to the book and know this is the right book, at the right time to work through the cravings of my heart.
One of the cravings is somewhat obvious: being more in the quilting world, and not knowing, not believing that I belong here. There are more cravings and for now, I’m going to hold them privately as there are other people involved and their privacy is important to me. Those cravings do influence the craving of the quilting world. In the last year I’ve had to deal with them, it’s been rather painful.
I get that sometimes we have to journey through some painful stuff to get to the places we need to go. Oh, yes, painful places to get where we have to go, like Jesus on the way to the cross, suffering betrayal, being whipped, mocked, tortured, accepting the death of criminals. Only to experience the Resurrection. New Life.
Giving myself over to the process of new life, peeling away the layers of self-doubt, seeing myself as less than, not worthy enough, not good enough.
In a recent conversation I admitted that I thought my time in the quilt world had passed. The reality is that deep seated feelings of defeat, not being good enough, and struggling with some personal stuff left me seeking the easy way out, by simply walking away, giving up quilting, all of it.
I don’t know where I’m going, simply starting the journey to grow closer to God, to be a good quilter, and hopefully a good teacher.