You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these. Mark 12:30, 31
Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life; rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise, God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in his arms. Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; the same understanding Father who cares for you today will take care of you then and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations. St. Francis de Sales
As I read Cravings I am moved to take steps to work on seeing my self differently. The narrative in my head includes phrases such as:
“self praise stinks” what this indicates is that owning the fact that I’ve worked really hard to become a good quilter, to be a good teacher, and saying these things is not humble, it’s prideful, and it’s not allowed
“it’s all crap” I know where every flaw is stitched into a quilt. I see them all. Sometimes the flaws are painful. Like a quilt backing not behaving and puckering. If it’s not a show quilt or a booth quilt it doesn’t matter.
“you suck/you’re an idiot” That one has been playing a lot lately. Part of it has to do with not having a day job right now, and not getting an interview. And it also has to do with how I see my self. Sometimes I do things that don’t work. That doesn’t make me an idiot, nor does it make me suck. What it is in all reality is an opportunity to learn.
“I’m not a good wife” this one isn’t complicated. My sweetie tells me otherwise all the time. And yet, I see things that oh…things…my perception of what a good wife is needs to begin again, to be renewed, to be changed. Changing this internal conflict will take some time. I’m hoping I have another 25 years or so with him to embrace that I am a good wife, and it’s not wrapped up in what I do, it’s wrapped up in the complement of who we are as individuals.
Part of changing the internal dialog includes being kinder to myself. Self-care is such a good thing, and quite frankly it’s commanded. See above scripture from Mark. Loving your neighbor is impossible with no self-love, and self-care. This self-care is more than work related quilting and creativity. It’s being kind in what and how I eat. It’s a mindfulness when I’m stressed. It’s moving through it, and moving forward. It’s also getting my work done, in a timely manner, even when it’s hard to do. Because sometimes it is.
This also means connecting more deeply with prayer time, and journaling. I love the act of handwriting. I have a couple of good pens and lots of journals. This is a different kind of writing, much more personal than
And when those phrases come up, gently shoving them aside, calling them for what they are – lies – and reminding myself that God has created me in His Image and Likeness, that deep down I’m good. That while I make mistakes, I am not a mistake. I. Am. Not. A. Mistake.
My quilts may occasionally be awful, that doesn’t make me a bad quilter. It makes me a quilter who, even with nearly 24 years of experience, is still learning. I have to say I love that part. I’m still learning. This is good, because being open to learning means quilting is still flexible for me.
I love writing too, and every opportunity I get to do that means I’m still growing as a writer. Even the stuff I don’t want to write. And there are a few things I don’t want to write but need to. *Note to Melissa when you read this, I will get that article done!* So as I work and pray through Cravings hope is building, shoring up. I’m giving myself time to think, and rest, and pray.