This is the hard one. Being called out on something that gets your core is challenging at best. When taken to the heart it means that you have to take time to examine what is going on, and deal with it appropriately. Working through issues of the heart is tricky, involves the mind, and memory, and longing for healing.
Giving the usual “it’s my turn to be angry” wasn’t holding water.
The thing that kept going through my mind, and my heart, who were clearly in agreement with each other, is that simply saying, “I forgive you” wasn’t going to cut it. I need/ed to look at what I need to forgive, and why.
I’ll admit that being called out wasn’t particularly fun. Quite frankly I don’t like being shoved through a door.
So the other day my sweetie and I went to Mass to celebrate something really good. I’ll admit to being reluctant to go, not sure why, however the peace and calm of the Church, being with people of faith in this moment was beautiful.
We arrived a little earlier than expected (hey! ya never know with NYC traffic) so had a little bit of time to pray and reflect before Mass. Part of this prayer/reflection time entailed a conversation with God asking for Him to show me those moments, experiences, and memories deeply in need of His Mercy and forgiveness, more to the point, where I need to forgive. You see, some of the memories were all tangled up, and not unlike this one bag with a whole big bunch of thread that needs sorting out, one thread at a time, some need to be cut.
With each memory I took a moment to seek pardon first, then extended that same forgiveness out. Accepting that I’m not the perfect, pious, holy person is key. I ain’t perfect, never have been, never will be. Interestingly the memories weren’t as powerful or painful as expected. I suspect that there will be more of this type of prayer, over time.
So after I got of the phone, with a decision made I thought, “I don’t leap like that!” “Yes, I do” I realized. I leaped with a deep sense of peace. So this “new” direction seems unusual, however I can see being led here, stepping stones, stumbling blocks, bright clear days, thunder storms. After I got off the phone? I had an interview for a job on Wednesday that I accepted. This is one of the prayer requests from the last year. Not working for the last ten months has had some impact on my person.
I’ve realized that working from home, while it’s good, isn’t completely for me. I enjoy working with people. At the end of the day I want and need to be by myself, and this job will provide that, just in the same way teaching machine quilting does. I still get to do that too.
I’m grateful. So very grateful.